The past three weeks have been so mixed, that I don’t really know where to begin, nor do I really know what I should take from them. I have had moments of complete clarity and passion for the goal and journey, and other moments of complete despair and doubt. I feel that I have come on leaps and bounds in so many ways and that I am the strongest and technically best I have ever been, and in the past seven days I have made a technical change that will in time give me the speed that I need to achieve my best potential. Whether that leaves me is first place or last, I hope that I can come away knowing that I did my best and that I had left no stone unturned, for better or worse. However this weekend at Lucerne has thrown into sharp relief that the changes I have made did, when I was under pressure and mistakes are made, tie me up in knots and leave me flailing.
This is in complete contrast to the Holland Beker, where I simply did not race cleverly on the first day, and I learnt some good lessons, which when applied sensibly put me in the A final in a much stronger and larger field than the previous day, when I failed to reach the final at all. Very silly. So there were two very mixed weekends, but the end result was the same on both events: I choked in the final. Having raced very measured races in the heats and semis in Holland, I was beaten and in last place before I even put my hands on the boat. I am working on improving my mental state and have in the past week made some positive steps forward – but seven days is not long enough to bed in and maintain changes, both technically in the boat and mentally (or emotionally for that matter). Long-running and deep-seated “programs” running in the background of my mind find their evil ways into my consciousness and I have been found out both times, in the A Final in Holland and in the B Final in Lucerne.
This is in complete contrast to the Holland Beker, where I simply did not race cleverly on the first day, and I learnt some good lessons, which when applied sensibly put me in the A final in a much stronger and larger field than the previous day, when I failed to reach the final at all. Very silly. So there were two very mixed weekends, but the end result was the same on both events: I choked in the final. Having raced very measured races in the heats and semis in Holland, I was beaten and in last place before I even put my hands on the boat. I am working on improving my mental state and have in the past week made some positive steps forward – but seven days is not long enough to bed in and maintain changes, both technically in the boat and mentally (or emotionally for that matter). Long-running and deep-seated “programs” running in the background of my mind find their evil ways into my consciousness and I have been found out both times, in the A Final in Holland and in the B Final in Lucerne.
I am trying to find confidence and trust in myself, my body and my training. Sometimes it works, and other times it flounders spectacularly, as it did on Saturday afternoon in rainy old Lucerne. Now, I KNOW what my training times have been. I KNOW the work I have done over all those long winter months, in the gym, on the bike, in the boat and on the ergo has built a strong base for me. JPM and I have been hugely encouraged by the times I have produced on the water - and not just once, but over and over again. So why, when it comes to the big ones, does that gremlin (I almost gave him a capital G, how interesting – he doesn’t deserve it, by the way) rear his ugly head and reiterate every negative thought, every horrible comment uttered in the playground, by peers, by siblings, teachers, even by parents, come back to haunt me? I caught a crab in the wash over in lane 1 in Saturday’s B Final and recovered well, keeping in touch with the field. Then more bumps came and I felt the others start to pull away from me. Now, rather than do what I have been working so hard on doing for the past ten days or so, and be solely focussed on me and my boat, and the PROCESSES, I became the chaser. I tied myself up in mental and physical knots, not through tiredness or lactate, but through mistake after mistake. You simply can’t afford to do that at this level, when your competitors are as fit as you are and want it as much as you do. And the more I tied myself up, the more that shitty gremlin kept saying, “Well there you are then, you piece of shit. You don’t deserve this. Who do you think you are?” Net effect? Slower and slower and in last place, both times.JPM was gutted for me and I believe felt some pain on his part that he didn’t get out of me what both he and I know that I can achieve. It was interesting that all the times we extrapolated were relatively similar to those that are being produced by the girl I raced and beat at HWR last year. I am not naïve enough to believe that simply means I’ll beat her again. She – and my other competitors – are all part of a system where everything is set up and organised, whereas I have every minute detail to cover for myself, albeit with some great help form Richard, Jules, JPM and my sister, although she has unfortunately had to take a back seat due to work commitments. I am also not so naïve that I don’t think that the steps forward when you are 21 are going to bigger than when you are 32, however we were both there last year and I came out on top. If you’re not well, or if you’re injured, you don’t race. No one can take away from me the things that I have achieved, although a few have tried….”That was luck”, “The other girl may have had illness or injury”, “You just don’t know what the others were doing”. Unfortunately I am more inclined to believe those comments than believe what I know to be true. And therein lies the rub. I just don’t believe in myself. Plain and simple.
All is not doom and gloom, however. When JPM and I set out our objectives for Lucerne, it was to at a minimum make the B final. I achieved exactly that, straight through from the heats and without having to go through the repechage. Yes, I underperformed, however I have still stepped on and my learnings keep adding up. Add to that the fact that we had a fantastic room at the hotel we stayed in, and we did what we both love which is go on road trips...for both Richard and I, half the fun in going somewhere is the process of getting there. The other benefit of course is that you can have absolutely everything you need with you and if necessary, you have somewhere warm and dry you can go to. Many's the time I have put the seats back in the Volvo and rested there in between races! We also had some interesting weather - big thunderstorms on Thursday caused rowers to flee the lake at high speed, with the lightning flashing and crashing thunderbolts rolling over Lucerne. I used to love the thunder and lightning as a kid in Zambia, and great big fat warm raindrops were great for running around in in our cossies (or nothing at all sometimes)!
So, I am going to go away, do some three to four hour stints in the spare single in preparation for the Row Zambezi expedition and return refreshed and ready slay those demons. I have identified that I suffer from training on my own too much, whether in the single or in the gym. It’s not that I don’t push myself, more that there isn’t another external measure and companionship, even just in the form of another beating heart while training. I also do not have the opportunity to “race”, both in absolute and structured events, and in pieces against other boats. In GB, the trials process and all of the team testing builds a solid and confidence-building base of race experience throughout the year that translates well into racing.
Onward to the next big project - last night I headed into London for the final Row Zambezi team meeting. The whole expedition has been well thought out and I know that it will be a lot of fun, and hard work in places! I fly on my birthday, 23rd July and will be away for a month. I am going to miss Richard so much, but I know that I will come back to him so happy to have been back home. I cannot wait to see my family, my uncle, cousins and old and dear friends. I also hope to meet up with the Zambian Rowing Federation and meet the people who help make my entries possible and who are backing me in the whole passport question.
Wish me well!
