Not the knots!!

The past three weeks have been so mixed, that I don’t really know where to begin, nor do I really know what I should take from them. I have had moments of complete clarity and passion for the goal and journey, and other moments of complete despair and doubt. I feel that I have come on leaps and bounds in so many ways and that I am the strongest and technically best I have ever been, and in the past seven days I have made a technical change that will in time give me the speed that I need to achieve my best potential. Whether that leaves me is first place or last, I hope that I can come away knowing that I did my best and that I had left no stone unturned, for better or worse. However this weekend at Lucerne has thrown into sharp relief that the changes I have made did, when I was under pressure and mistakes are made, tie me up in knots and leave me flailing.

This is in complete contrast to the Holland Beker, where I simply did not race cleverly on the first day, and I learnt some good lessons, which when applied sensibly put me in the A final in a much stronger and larger field than the previous day, when I failed to reach the final at all. Very silly. So there were two very mixed weekends, but the end result was the same on both events: I choked in the final. Having raced very measured races in the heats and semis in Holland, I was beaten and in last place before I even put my hands on the boat. I am working on improving my mental state and have in the past week made some positive steps forward – but seven days is not long enough to bed in and maintain changes, both technically in the boat and mentally (or emotionally for that matter). Long-running and deep-seated “programs” running in the background of my mind find their evil ways into my consciousness and I have been found out both times, in the A Final in Holland and in the B Final in Lucerne.

I am trying to find confidence and trust in myself, my body and my training. Sometimes it works, and other times it flounders spectacularly, as it did on Saturday afternoon in rainy old Lucerne. Now, I KNOW what my training times have been. I KNOW the work I have done over all those long winter months, in the gym, on the bike, in the boat and on the ergo has built a strong base for me. JPM and I have been hugely encouraged by the times I have produced on the water - and not just once, but over and over again. So why, when it comes to the big ones, does that gremlin (I almost gave him a capital G, how interesting – he doesn’t deserve it, by the way) rear his ugly head and reiterate every negative thought, every horrible comment uttered in the playground, by peers, by siblings, teachers, even by parents, come back to haunt me? I caught a crab in the wash over in lane 1 in Saturday’s B Final and recovered well, keeping in touch with the field. Then more bumps came and I felt the others start to pull away from me. Now, rather than do what I have been working so hard on doing for the past ten days or so, and be solely focussed on me and my boat, and the PROCESSES, I became the chaser. I tied myself up in mental and physical knots, not through tiredness or lactate, but through mistake after mistake. You simply can’t afford to do that at this level, when your competitors are as fit as you are and want it as much as you do. And the more I tied myself up, the more that shitty gremlin kept saying, “Well there you are then, you piece of shit. You don’t deserve this. Who do you think you are?” Net effect? Slower and slower and in last place, both times.JPM was gutted for me and I believe felt some pain on his part that he didn’t get out of me what both he and I know that I can achieve. It was interesting that all the times we extrapolated were relatively similar to those that are being produced by the girl I raced and beat at HWR last year. I am not naïve enough to believe that simply means I’ll beat her again. She – and my other competitors – are all part of a system where everything is set up and organised, whereas I have every minute detail to cover for myself, albeit with some great help form Richard, Jules, JPM and my sister, although she has unfortunately had to take a back seat due to work commitments. I am also not so naïve that I don’t think that the steps forward when you are 21 are going to bigger than when you are 32, however we were both there last year and I came out on top. If you’re not well, or if you’re injured, you don’t race. No one can take away from me the things that I have achieved, although a few have tried….”That was luck”, “The other girl may have had illness or injury”, “You just don’t know what the others were doing”. Unfortunately I am more inclined to believe those comments than believe what I know to be true. And therein lies the rub. I just don’t believe in myself. Plain and simple.

All is not doom and gloom, however. When JPM and I set out our objectives for Lucerne, it was to at a minimum make the B final. I achieved exactly that, straight through from the heats and without having to go through the repechage. Yes, I underperformed, however I have still stepped on and my learnings keep adding up. Add to that the fact that we had a fantastic room at the hotel we stayed in, and we did what we both love which is go on road trips...for both Richard and I, half the fun in going somewhere is the process of getting there. The other benefit of course is that you can have absolutely everything you need with you and if necessary, you have somewhere warm and dry you can go to. Many's the time I have put the seats back in the Volvo and rested there in between races! We also had some interesting weather - big thunderstorms on Thursday caused rowers to flee the lake at high speed, with the lightning flashing and crashing thunderbolts rolling over Lucerne. I used to love the thunder and lightning as a kid in Zambia, and great big fat warm raindrops were great for running around in in our cossies (or nothing at all sometimes)!

So, I am going to go away, do some three to four hour stints in the spare single in preparation for the Row Zambezi expedition and return refreshed and ready slay those demons. I have identified that I suffer from training on my own too much, whether in the single or in the gym. It’s not that I don’t push myself, more that there isn’t another external measure and companionship, even just in the form of another beating heart while training. I also do not have the opportunity to “race”, both in absolute and structured events, and in pieces against other boats. In GB, the trials process and all of the team testing builds a solid and confidence-building base of race experience throughout the year that translates well into racing.

Onward to the next big project - last night I headed into London for the final Row Zambezi team meeting. The whole expedition has been well thought out and I know that it will be a lot of fun, and hard work in places! I fly on my birthday, 23rd July and will be away for a month. I am going to miss Richard so much, but I know that I will come back to him so happy to have been back home. I cannot wait to see my family, my uncle, cousins and old and dear friends. I also hope to meet up with the Zambian Rowing Federation and meet the people who help make my entries possible and who are backing me in the whole passport question.

Wish me well!

Withdrawal symptoms....

What a mixed weekend it's been! First and foremost, it has been a disappointment, it has been confusing, but then it has also had some positives....one being that the course at Munich is lovely! I really loved the water - crystal clear and home to enormous, fat carp just milling about around the pontoons. It feels lively, more bouyant than the water on the Henley stretch has been feeling recently, especially as with very little stream the water at home can sometimes feel extremely "dead". Coupled with the fact that it has been so windy and variable in the UK, it was a pleasure to get out on this fabulous course (although apparently it can produce interesting results in certain winds, as the final 250m is sheltered on one side by the huge spectator stand which shelters lanes 4, 5, 6 considerably).

As for the racing, well, I can safely say that I was well below par, with an underperformance my little Chevrolet Spark hire car would have been proud of! We started with the time trials on Friday morning, in the cold and wet, and the various boat classes were allocated their start procedure - standing or flying starts. The light women's singles were standing starts, which meant we had to split into odd and even boats according to our "lane" draws and wait on either side of the two lanes that were being used for time trialling. You then had to wait until the person in your lane had started and cleared the start area, and the while you attach, the other lane is set off. We had one false start from the Swedish girl, who then had to wait until the whole of her heat had gone before she could reattach and race. It looked as though she got herself a bit wound up and just went before the light turned green. Understandable in some ways, as things can be a little tense up there!

My turn came to get on, and I did so with little fuss. Off I went, at a natty but connected 44 and quickly settled onto my race pace as agreed with JPM, who advised me to come down a little earlier than I would do in a side by side situation and keep the foot on the gas with rhythm and rate. At about 250m I clipped a buoy, but nothing drastic enough to cause a problem (unlike the Dorney World Cup in 2005 where I caught a monster crab, rigger under the water AND I was in the darned lead).

We've been training to tolerate lactate build-up and much of the work that we have been doing has produced some very positive results, so I was hoping to be able to lay a marker down in Munich, and build on what we have achieved. The previous week's step test proved that my power output is up, yet my lactate tolerance has improved significantly and I was extremely pleased with this, knowing as well that I was putting in some great final sprints, something I have traditionally struggled with.

I was sculling well, neatly and sharply, but as I reached about 900m, knowing that at the 1k it was time to redline it a bit more and step on, perceptually everything started to slow down. Stroke rate was still tappy at 34-35 as planned, yet every stroke felt weaker and weaker. I tried my push and it felt like my body was being doused in lactic. Everything was screaming and, where in training I have been able to pump and drive through the physiological response to hard work, it was like I was putting the foot on the accelerator, but there was a leak somewhere and I went slower and slower. I crossed the line barely able to move and landed the boat, hoping that I had at least qualified for the semis.

JPM felt that I had sculled well, and I didn't feel that I had bombed out and made mistakes. When the times came out I was about 15 seconds off where I would have thought and where I would have expected to be, bearing in mind I'm not a great time trialler, but given what training indicated. I couldn't understand it. I was confused and demoralised, wondering what I had done wrong. I hadn't overdrawn the finish and made it hard work for myself. I hadn't overcooked it and "blown". WTF? We went back to the hotel for me to rest, and I was still shivering from the cold. I showered and got under the duvet, but couldn't get warm enough. Richard says that I fell asleep for a while and that I was radiating heat and very damp with sweat.

Time came to race the rep in the pouring rain, and I went into it knowing that all being equal, I had a good chance of qualifying for the semis. Off I went and for the first 800-900m I was in contention for one of the three spots. I stuck to the plan, did everything that I have trained to do. With 500m to go I knew that I would have to pull the sprint out to get through. Go, body, go. Nothing. Go. Go. Go. Nothing. Still 34spm. Close eyes. Go. Beep. Over the line. Fourth. FFS.

I usually come straight in and walk for 30 minutes, but I just couldn't face seeing anyone. I was so confused still, so upset. Why was this happening? I landed after a shortish paddle and we put the boat away. At the hotel I made sure I ate well (weight not an issue) and I found out my race time on Saturday morning. I'd chatted to Jules, who was sending inspirational messages and good luck vibes from England. We tried to make sure that I wasn't wallowing, although I was still feeling very cold, and met up with JPM and Jill for a little drink in the Wirtshaus across the road. We bumped into Gevvie Stone, the US single sculler, who was just charming, and really pleased to have done well in her heat.

That night, I fell asleep as soon as the lights went out and woke up feeling dreadful. The weather had improved overnight, but I had again slept drenched in sweat. Everything ached, and not in a post-race, training sense!! When I saw JPM and he asked how I was, I just said I was OK and that I'd see him after weigh-in. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. In the car, I turned to Richard and said "Sweetheart, I don't feel well. I don't know what to do". He went to JPM and we talked about what was going on. It wouldn't normally occur to me to withdraw, having raced and gone all that way AND JPM and Jill having come to Germany as well. I just knew that there was nothing in me. Things have been difficult recently, but I have trained well and been strong. I wasn't even angry or upset that this was happening. It was just like all my spark and fizz had been put out. However I weighed in and when JPM arrived we made the call to see the FISA doctor, which we duly did. They looked me over and said that it was most likely a viral issue, lymph nodes were up and throat red. I was still struggling to regulate my body temperature, hot and sweaty yet cold and shivery at the same time. "Es macht keinen Sinn", said the doc. Letter written and DNS registered on the start.

With that we had some breakfast and decided t go back to the hotel for me to rest some more, but it didn't feel right ot sit around feeling sorry for ourselves. We had a car, and although the weather wasn't brilliant, at least it wasn't raining any more. Salzburg, where I lived for a year and fell in love with all things Austrian, is only just over an hour away, so we decided to tootle over and get away from things mentally. We kept it all very low key and unhurried, lots of little stops for coffee and not much moving around, but it was great to be back - I couldn't believe it had been more than ten years since I last went there! After a pleasant afternoon of being with each other and just enjoying being alive, Richard and I went back to Munich to meet JPM and Jill to take them out for dinner. We passed a very convivial evening together, and went home for an early night as we had to get the boat loaded on the GB trailer first thing in the morning.

So, here I am. I'm headachey and pissed off. This morning is the first time I've got angry about this, which is a sign I'm on the mend. These things do happen, and I've had my fair share of bad luck. It's time to suck it up, move on, move up and bang it out. Patience is a virtue that I'm having to learn, and this time it's going to have to be applied well if I am to get ready for the next events.

I'm in bed still, with the cat stretched out beside me. I'm going to have to move him though, because he keeps doing the most incredibly stinky farts. Thanks, ratbag. Gets me back for leaving him for a few days I guess!

Time trials, thunder storms, horrible tin can cars....

It's probably best if I don't mention how long it's been since I last blogged.

Doh!

Well, it's the first World Cup round this weekend in Munich, and Team Zambia is primed and ready for the new time trial system being tested this weekend as contingency for unfair weather conditions next year. I mean, come on, Dorney isn't unfair. Wait a minute. That's the OFFICIAL line. Anyone racing at Wallingford Regatta three weeks ago might have a slightly different opinion, myself included. And why is it that van Deventer ALWAYS gets lane 6 or 7 when it's a raging cross-head, sheltering Lane 1 etc? Apparently the wind isn't an issue in August though. Funny, I could have sworn the Worlds in 2006 were windy as well...

Ah well.

So, I have had a few ups and downs, not really in a training sense, rather emotionally and motivationally, hence the radio silence. The Constitution, which included a new clause providing for dual nationality, was not accepted when it went to the Zambian Parliament in March, which means a long wait until the elections are over, and the Bill goes before Parliament again. This means no passport for the time being, but I remain positive, hopeful and as the saying goes, I haven't heard any fat ladies singing yet. I will race all three World Cups, probably the Holland Beker again as it is a fantastic event, and then I will row the Zambezi in July. When God closes one door, he opens another, and I am very thankful to be able to take part in the Row Zambezi Expedition - more info here: http://www.rowzambezi.co.uk. I'll blog more about this another time.

Tomorrow morning is the time trial, with the top two boats from each heat progressing to the semi finals. I have Greece no2, Poland no1, Uzbekistan, Poland no2 and The Netherlands (Frenken, whom I raced at the Holland Beker and who I am dying to have another pop at). I will take each stroke at a time, and get from A to B in the fastest and best time I can get out of myself. JPM was very happy with my paddling and bursts this afternoon, and the new boat set up is working really well for me. We've had some issues with blades (long, woeful story) so I am very grateful to Louise Wymer (nee Carey) for her generosity and understanding in allowing me to use her set as mine did not arrive from Australia in time. Other than that, training has been going very well in the main part, and now it remains to see how I stack up against the rest of the world!

I am currently waiting for the boy's flight to take off as it is delayed due to weather. No such issues for JPM and Jill, as they drove overnight to get here for about 2pm! I think they did stop for three or four hours, but I am still an extremely lucky girl to have had such support and efforts made for me and my little project.

I wish that my lucky German was here. However I know that she is on my shoulder, driving me on, as I am with her in spirit while she deals with her own nightmare of broken pelvises, Berkshire PCT cock-ups, misdiagnoses and failures. Once again, she proves to me just what the human mind can achieve, and what strength of character really means. She is truly an inspiration to me and I hope that I can repay her the same somehow.

Oh, and one more thing. If you ever think you might like to buy a Chevrolet Spark, don't. Just don't. Tin and can spring to mind, not to mention the complete lack of any power! I swear, I have to wait for the biggest gaps in the traffic that I can find to get out in time without having some German driver ramming me up the backside (so to speak).

Peace, out.

Thrilla in Sevilla!!

So, to summarise: it's windy! However, the sun is shining, and it's not freezing cold, so really, there's not much to moan about! I have been made to feel very welcome by the Mortlake girls and coaches, and appreciate hugely the invitation to join them - it makes such a huge difference having people to train with and chat about training and where we're all heading!! A week's worth of decent training in a nice group will do me the world of good, and it's also outing number 7 (three of those completed today) in the shiny yellow floaty boaty.....I'd better get used to it by the first race on 1st May (Wallingford Regatta) as then it's only four weeks to the first World Cup in Munich!! Eek!

I'm feeling a little bad being away though, as poor Jules is laid up at home after suffering a catalogue of disasters and NHS cock-ups. Having been unceremoniously ejected off a recalcitrant nag, she was taken to the Royal Berks in Reading, where she was told she had soft tissue damage and should go home. When she asked how that would work exactly, she was offered crutches and packed off with the words, "We hope you live in a bungalow". After about three weeks of pain, and hobbling about, enough was enough and she went elsewhere (thank F for private health insurance)....to find that she has broken her pelvis and shattered her sacrum. Nice.

The wonderful boy and I had her to stay in our little bungalow where she was looked after by Fidel (who I think more than fell in love with her because she stayed in one place for more than ten minutes and gave him a nice warm place to cuddle up in), and then Herman the German bowled into town like a knight in shining Lederhosen (OK, not quite) to take over for a couple of weeks. Her Dad is great value, and I was a little worried that I offended him when I first met him, because I gave him such a big hug as it felt like I'd always known him although I'd never met him before...so not the done thing to an elder person in German society!! Still, as Valerie pointed out, most blokes wouldn't mind a blonde launching herself at them.... Anyway, long story short, there is one seriously narked German in Henley who can't wait to get her hands on the Chief Exec of the Berkshire PCT!

I'm off to bed now, as I didn't sleep a wink last night. It would appear we are bang smack in the middle of spaghetti junction here and the noise is incredible!! Going from our lovely quiet little bungalow in Henley to this is a living hell....so earplugs and Nytol are the order of the day (night). I miss Richard terribly....this will be the first time we've been apart for more than a night or two in over eighteen months and it's very odd. I think I must have it bad, because I fell apart when he dropped me off at the station...I'm a big girl, I've travelled on my own an awful lot, and I'm used to being away....Christ, I was in boarding at age seven, so I really don't know what is happening....could it be love??? ;o)

No blisters to report...yet. Watch this space!

I know where I'm going......

Hurrah! At long last we have an answer and an endpoint. FISA have finally decided where and when the African Olympic Qualification regatta will be this year. It's been really strange having only a vague idea that some time this year I will race off for one of three African slots in the Women's Single Scull, possibly in July, then September, first in Zambia, then Mozambique.....and with no real idea of whether any of it will be made public in time for all the arrangements to be made.

However the FISA circular on various matters was published late last week and we are off to.....Alexandria in Egypt!! It's very exciting, bearing in mind that my grandmother has very dear friends in Egypt who have been in my consciousness all my life but whom I have never met, and also that only last summer was I reunited with an Egyptian friend from Zambia who left when we were 8 years old and we hadn't seen each other since then!! Thank God for Facebook! Sally (below) only lives in Slough, and her mother lives in Alexandria itself, so it will be wonderful to have some local support! So, the dates in the diary are 10th - 19th October for the pre-qualifying training camp, with the regatta taking place 20th - 23rd October 2011. Wish me luck!!

Things have been going pretty well on balance, although there have been a few ups and downs which have prevented me from updating my blog. I think the last one I put up we were just heading off to Lanzarote to cycle in the warm weather. We had a great time, mostly, apart from the last couple of days where Richard became very unwell, and I got a little bit of it as well (my Ugg boots became acquainted with the day's breakfast at one point, which was very attractive).

The terrain was extremely interesting, in particular the Fire Route through the lava fields and the beautiful coastal routes. It's very, very windy, that much is for certain!! I don't think we'd stay in the same resort area again, as it felt a little industrial where we were in the Costa Teguise, but the hotel had everything we needed, and it was great just being able to eat, sleep, cycle and chill...we discovered some crappy American legal dramas which had us hooked every evening as there was no energy for partying in the local clubs!! Apparently however there is no heating on the island, so even though it's very hot in peak season, it being winter we froze our nubs off in the evenings with no means of warming the room up whatsoever. Horrid! Whichever was I look at it though, it is going to be worth looking into renting a cottage somewhere like Lanzarote or Fuerteventura for a few weeks next year to get some decent air and weather...I have cabin fever from a largely indoor winter!!

So, with the year's exploits mapped out for me, it remains only for me to crack on with the training in earnest. In spite of having had the best winter I have ever had, I am abed with a slight throat infection which I have not been able to kick. The doc has given me some antibiotics which I hope will do the trick but I am, as they say, fed up to the back teeth with it as I have been trying to get rid of it for over a week now and it's just seemed to have got worse!! Never mind. I console myself with the fact that I've done a lot of good work since August and whilst I might not be moving forward exactly, I'm not going backwards as I might do if I try to push on through. I have the Mortlake camp to Seville to look forward to, which also heralds the first decent amount of time I will get to spend in the new boat which I have been keeping under wraps over the winter. I can't wait to get out in it and test her speed.....she just needs a name, which I am still working on!!

The Upper Thames men's squad has had a great result with a win in the Trent Head....Captain Justin said that they broke the course record "....but conditions were fast", to which I replied, "Take it, a win's a win and a record's a record!" Well done them and hopefully they'll pull out the result they want and need at the Head of the River in a few weeks' time. The Women's Head takes place on 19th March, and I am for the second year running not racing - out of choice. I'm not sure I want to risk my back in a sweep boat for the sake of one race, when I ended up spending an entire summer on the static bike having done it in two years ago. It would take something pretty special for me to risk that again....I seem to remember my first outing since the Birds' Head in 2009 was the Sunday night of Henley Royal Regatta, longer than my layoff in 2010 (although I was able to train, to be fair). Good luck to all crews racing though!!

Lanzarote piccies and so on to follow.......

Just a quickie.....

It's February. The month of love, slight depression (it's not Christmas, it's not spring, it's not even the New Year any more) and extreme bloody cold! It's always a funny time of year for me. It starts off on the 1st (funny that), with a day of remembrance for my dear father and cousin, both of whose birthday it would have been yesterday and usually carries on a bit dully for the remainder. It's also the month when love should be in the air, but everyone seems so darn cynical and anti-Valentine's that poor cupid has to turn on his fat little behind and find another, commercially viable venture.

Anyway, I for one intend February to be different this year. Instead of coming down with the requisite cold/flu/stomach bug, I have decided to go off on a cycling jaunt with the Boy for a week, to the windy, hilly lump of land of Lanzarote. Now, I'll clear it up straight away. No Club La Santa for this pair. Oh no no no. I booked us through Lloyds Airmiles thingy, on the phone with Julie, from Warrington (lives in between Manchester and Warrington, as my husband, he's a policeman you know, works in Manchester and it makes for an easier commute. Oh yes, well I think you should go to the Costa Teguise, my friend went there two years in a row. Or was it the Playa Blanca? Anyway, she had a really good time. I myself went there. Or was it Gran Canaria? Anyway, I've booked you your rooms now, oh damn this computer. It did this yesterday. We were all stuck here while the system went down. I had to rebook everything. Now, where we?...you get the picture) and the service and price were much better value. We get to just cycle, eat, sleep, cycle, eat, sleep for seven days. I'm not sure whether my poor bottom and lady bits will survive, but I do know that I will be availing myself of copious amounts of Assos cream!

Other than that things are going pretty well. I've been a bit up and down and was found out in my ergo test yesterday. I've had a slight temperature and background cold, but wasn't ill enough NOT to try, but probably wasn't 100%....had this been a trials test I would have sick noted it and been done with it. However, as I am my own little microsystem, we can make these decisions and see what happens. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it isn't so successful. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next one as I am doing some really great work on the erg and in the gym, and the knee problem that has plagued my training for over a year now seems to be getting under control trhanks to Dave Kershaw at Complete Physiotherapy (not without a lot of bruising, wincing, pain and grimacing though).

We've had a slight curveball chucked at us again, courtesy of African organisation. It seems that the All Africa Games might NOT be the African qualification event after all, and that FISA might be running its own event, not in September, but in November. In fact, I do not see this as a big issue, as I will be working towards the World Championships in Bled whatever, and so if I have to peak twice, with a two month gap in between, so be it. I'm learning to roll with the punches a little more and things can change on the day, or even within the hour. Pragmatism and flexibility are the watchwords.

One thing that I am changing again however is where I am basing myself. Having moved upstream to Henley and found a charming bunch of people who have welcomed me and made me feel very much part of proceedings, I find that the one thing I wasn't worried about has become the very thing which I find hardest to deal with. My conversations with JPM about moving up to HRC mainly surrounded my need for group training and a change of scene (although how different can it be, when I'm still on the same stretch of river?). As far as he was concerned it didn't matter where I put my boat on the water, as we would just liaise and that would be that. However I find that, as I am not spending a great deal of time on the water in the cold and wet weather and preferring to stay fit and strong in the gym, I do not get nearly as much contact with JPM as I would like and I am really struggling with that. Add to this the fact that I can go four days without seeing another soul when I'm training, and I am a lonely little bunny. So it's back to normal, and no harm done. No scullers or rowing clubs were harmed in the making of this decision. I think that I was struggling with life things at the time I moved, in particular as I am now a "Ms van Deventer" and I just sort of went "WAAAAAAH" and changed the most obvious thing. I think it has been a good exercise in gaining a bit of distance and clarity about what it is that I really need out of my training and general environment.

So, next time I get online for some verbal (textual) diarrhea I will have endured several hundred miles on my little Felt (the make, not the fabric) bicycle and had a bit of sun and break from the bleak winter drudgery, and Henley will look a little brighter. Oh oh oh. My German is happy. She has started her new job and is already being hailed as a superstar. I knew it all along.